To all those people whom I've hurt before, I'm sorry. I think I'm such a mean and bad person sometimes and if I could undo any actions that have caused anyone to be hurt, I would. And to those people who have hurt me before, be it intentionally or unintentionally, I forgive you...or rather, I've actually forgiven you since quite awhile. I'm in a weird reflective mood right now...and I don't know how to handle it...other than posting random words on a blog that nobody reads. Tsk.

Pot calling the kettle black. Realised while reflecting that I was doing just that. Being unhappy when someone does this to me..but yet still doing this to someone else. Sigh. I don't like thinking. Can't wait get on with another part if my life.
On another random note, realised that my birthday's in a few days time...but I'm not looking forward to it somehow. Something to do with the expectations and reality thingy again..I guess.

Really tired of this...I can't understand why I even bother to put up with all these. I'm not a dog who's constantly at your call...not something that would come and go as you wish. I'm a person; a person with feelings. I don't think anyone should be treated the way I got treated. Can't you see the strain behind every smile now? The disappointment...the hurt. Being unable to express my anger doesn't mean I won't get angry. Not crying doesn't mean I don't get sad. Why are the people around me giving me the impression that it pays when people have the impression that you're nice? It's not like I'm a super nice person to begin with...but nowadays I keep getting the feeling that its safer to appear mean. Please, don't make me regret. This is a plea, though you probably won't read this..but, please.

1.45am, 3th jan 2013.
I suddenly want to pour everything all out. Not think of the consequences, overcoming my fears. Break down, tear down the walls I've built..the lies I try to deceive myself with and tell those people what I truly feel. Would I be happier that way?

"It was a known fact but it hurts so much when you said it out loud somehow. Now to think of it...you have never really been on my side before anyway."
"It's killing me so bad inside. I'm just so tired of everything."
- Words I wanted to say but I somehow couldn't. All I could do was keep quiet as usual and acted like it didn't matter. A bad friend, so that's what you think I am..that's what everyone probably think that I am. But it's not like you all know anything at all, you all don't know how hurt I am, how all these made me become so guarded against everyone, how it make me lose trust in people. But I guess it shouldn't matter anymore, not having anyone on my side. I'm fine with being alone. I'm just so tired right now I really wanna run away to a place where I don't know anyone at all and start afresh. Just that this time I'll learn to be independent and not let anyone be this close anymore. So that I'll never be this hurt again. Ever.

Limits. There's a limit for everything. How far we can go, how far we should persevere. And I think, I think, I've reached that limit. And I know what I should do.

And bang. There you have it. I'm regretting whatever I said a few minutes ago. I'm not even sure about whatever I've said or felt or am saying or am feeling. I'm not sure if it's valid. My mind's like really messed up. Especially these few days, I've like totally no control over my emotions whatsoever and I've no idea why. Wtf. Maybe it's the stress? Maybe not. It's just so &#%£¥< gah.

Y'know what? Screw everything else. Screw whatever thoughts, whatever misunderstandings, whatever else. I think there's a high chance I will regret posting this. But screw it. I really miss you. Like right now.

The way you affect me...scares me.

Iris
26th Jan 1994
Sec 2
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