Because of you ; again.
Imma get my confidence back.
Because of you ; again.
My stomach's hurting like crazy as usual right now. But guess what? I don't wanna stop dieting already. I wanna be skinny. Since my body's already screwed up, what's the diff.
Because of you ; again.
"silly girl you need to find other ways to cheer yourself up you know? I can't always be there for you - " You once said something like that. And indeed, I'm silly and you're no longer here for me. You're right, unfortunately. It's ok iris, it's ok. I'll be strong, and it'll be ok if there isn't anyone here for me. I'll be ok, yes, I have to be and I will.
Because of you ; again.
If I hide well enough, no one will know right? Haha wtv. Typical emo stuff people say. Zomg I'm so weird. Must be the lack of sleep and all the hormones. "teenagers - always full of hormones and angst"~ eds play. Hahaha. Will probably feel better after my nap. And I just realised that this blogs template and wallpaper abit the lame ar..haven't changed since yr1/2? Haha but I'm so damn lazy to do something about it, so lol. Yesh a typical emo blog template. Haha wth.
Because of you ; again.
You can try, but it doesn't mean that you'll succeed. I'm so tired right now. Both physically and emotionally. I know I said ytd that I'll try and look at the positive side of things and stop acting like this anymore. But that motivation I had at that moment is fading away now. What if there's no restart button? Idk what's wrong with me...I seem to be unable to get out of this mess I created for myself. I seem to have lost it all. I've seem to become so weak, pathetic and mean. Since when have I turned into such a horrible person? I'm really horrible, be it as a friend, sister, daughter, student, or as anyone else. And it disgusts me. I'm even disgusted with myself for writing this - that's how sane I am now. Wtf is happening really? I feel really bad cause there are friends around me who are concerned..and although I tried today, I'm so damn tired. I keep contradicting myself these days, it's annoying me, let alone other people. I'm sorry I guess..I've tried, and I'll probably try again. I just really wish that things will change for the better soon. Like really really soon.
Because of you ; again.
"Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each days has enough trouble of its own."-Lk 12:23; 16:13
Just read the bible. Feeling better now. It's pretty amazing how the texts I read will somehow relate to the problems I'm facing at that time.
Because of you ; again.
I'm fine. Yeah right. I'm fine with constantly being below average for every subject. I'm fine with feeling inferior when compared to others no matter what you're comparing, be it grades, looks, sports wtv. I'm fine with knowing how little I mean to people. I'm fine with knowing that I'm going to put people off by not being happy everyday. I'm fine with disappointing the people around me. I'm fine with always being the trouble-maker in the family even though they tell people in smart. I'm fine with spending a whole chunk of my dad's salary on tuition that doesn't help at all, when they could use the money for their old age or for my other brother. I'm fine with always being the one who ruins people's moods and make the conversations awkward. I'm fine with knowing that practically everyone, friends and family alike, are better off without me. I'm fine with knowing that my existence in this world is practically meaningless. I'm fine with not having anything to look forward to everyday, simply wishing everyday that the day will end quickly and the cycle repeats. I'm fine with not having anything that I'm talented in. I'm fine with always being the slacker in the group cause there's nothing much I can contribute even though I want to help so badly sometimes. I'm fine with being called gullible or stupid for trusting people only to be hurt in the end. I'm fine with being judged by people and be called weak or even looked down upon by some people. I'm fine that my body now is being freaking weird and I can't tell anyone about it. I'm fine with failing practically anything I do. I'm fine that even me myself think that I'm weak and lousy. I'm fine. Really, I'm fine.
Because of you ; again.
You won't bother trying, it's far too awkward for me. It's ok. I understand. I'll probably do that too if I'm you.
/ Who am I trying to kid? Who am I trying to lie to? I know very well how little I mean to people, especially you. I've gotten used to it. But that doesn't mean it doesn't bother me. I must be a really lousy person. For me to mean this little to the people around me, for you to not bother trying at all.
Because of you ; again.
It no longer hurts I guess. But it's still a pretty annoying feeling though.
Because of you ; again.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
Because of you ; again.
I really ought to remember that I'm not the only one in this and you're probably not having a good time either. I should realise that maybe you're having a hard time too..being awkward and all. No one should be blamed for this. I'm sorry that you have to go through all this too..and I guess what matters is that you're happy. I just really wish and pray that things will be better for both of us soon.. somehow.
Because of you ; again.
What am I? Some kind of disease or pest that you have to avoid me this way? I'm so damn tired right now. Physically and emotionally. Even watching the stars alone didn't help. And I don't even know what I'm feeling, I just know this feels horrible and I just wish something will change for the better but it seems kinda impossible now. Had my last sports carn today...mixed feelings.