*~blue--star~*

Wednesday, April 30, 2008♥

Because of you ; again.

This post aint gonna be happy. So if u dun like unhappy or emo or whatever shit u call it. Go away now. Dont come complaining to me that my blog too emo or whatever. I didnt ask u to read it.

I hate it. Seriously hate it when im not happy. Its like you look at the world around you with people happily smiling and laughing and all and you just wished you could join in. You stare at their happy faces and look to the mirror and see that sad face looking back at you. Its horrible. But its at least better than faking smiles like me. Its like you're hurting real badly deep in your heart and you still have to fake smiles for people whom maybe you dont actually really give a damn about. Its horrible when all you wanted in your heart was to cry out to someone close to you but you actually just simply faked a smile and said that you're ok. Its horrible when all you wanted was to shout vulgarities at people you really hated or had hurt you but you had to act nice and just smiled it off and walk away pushing everything right down into your heart again. Its horrible when people think that you're great and you know deep in your heart that actually you were acting all the long. Its horrible to see people getting hurt because of what you did which actually you didnt mean it at all and dont know why you actually did it. Its horrible when you have almost no choice but to lie and cover up about what you do just because you dont have the damn pathetic courage to face the music. And all this horrible shit is actually part of my life.

I keep asking whats life about anyway. Dont you people think that its kinda in a dream like thingo. Its like one moment you're crying over something and the next moment you realised that you're actually laughing at yourself for being so stupid last time and wasted so much time whinning and crying over some small matters. Its like there are two different people in yourself like there are two different "me"s. Sometimes you even scold yourself for being so dense in the past. Its weird. Life's weird. I dont understand at all. I wonder to myself many times if what I'm doing now is a waste of time. Would the future "me" be angry with the decisions i make now? What's the purpose in life anyway? Its so stupid. Tsk.

Everytime I see unknown couples holding hands smiling so sweetly and saying lovely stuff. I would just smile to myself. I see people's msn nick talking about love and stuff. I smile again. Why? Cause I know that the result would always be the same. After a few months, their msn nick changed drastically. "I love you forever" ? Forever? you sure? think again. But you cant blame them. Cause love's a complicating thing. When people say they love each other, do they really mean it? First thing first. What's love? Tell me cause I dont know. Tell me cause I thought i knew, but i realised i dont. I find it abit weird for people to stead now and then break like awhile later? And then go emo and stuff. But gosh. Nobody can stop love. [ok wait..this's getting kinda guai lan. lols. stop ler.]

Where are you? I need you and i want you..